How young people understand death

Children and adolescents understand loss in different ways, depending on their age and maturity level. To find out more, consult your school counsellor or the hospital social worker.

Early primary students (4–7 years)

• may think death is temporary
• might realise that death means someone isn’t around anymore, but may not understand the cause of death
• sometimes believe their behaviour caused the death
• might wonder who will look after them or teach them
• might worry that cancer is contagious or that they will die too
• may be very open and ask confronting questions

Late primary students (7–12 years)

• understand death is permanent
• know some reasons why death happens (e.g. illness, old age)
• are less likely to blame themselves for the loss, but might blame someone else
• want to know the facts about death, including what happens after death
• are better able to articulate their feelings and act sympathetically

Secondary students (12–18 years)

• usually understand the facts of death
• might respond in a self-centred way to the loss
• may struggle with their own mortality
• may express feelings in positive ways (e.g. listening to music, playing sports, writing in a journal)
• usually want to spend more time with friends after a loss
• may express their distress through risk-taking behaviours (e.g. skipping classes, experimenting with drugs or alcohol, acting recklessly)
• need to know that support and counselling are available
• might find it especially helpful to participate in a private or public memorial service

How to support grieving children

• Understand that each child will react to loss in their own way.
• Do not underestimate the impact of a bereavement, even if a child is very young or does not seem sad. Their grief may be expressed through play or other behaviour.
• Realise that children often work through their feelings slowly, facing them in bearable doses.
• Explain the death in concrete terms. Avoid euphemisms such as “passed away”, “lost” or “gone to sleep”.
• Answer questions in an open, honest and age-appropriate way. Accept that children may need to ask the same questions many times.
• Allow children space to grieve – you do not need to “fix” their sorrow. It is natural for people to express sadness in various ways, just as they express other emotions.
• Maintain routines and boundaries. School can offer a reassuring sense of predictability

→ READ MORE: When a student dies

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